The Unbearable Heaviness of Being Human

People often look at me and think that I have everything 'sorted' (someone said this only yesterday).  I don't. I never do.  I get battered about by life in exactly the same way that you do.  Over the years my ways of coping have become less destructive (no more drink, drugs and meaningless relationships) but that doesn't mean that I have the answers or that I am permanently compassionate towards myself or others.  I'm not.

Sometimes the depth of my ferocity and criticism at myself shocks me.

Sometimes the fear of  who I might really be overwhelms me.

Sometimes my anger at the world and every single person in it knocks me sidewards.

Sometimes I just do not cope.

I have come to learn that all of this passes but when I'm in the middle of it, that is a singularly massively unhelpful thing to have said to me.  Because in the midst of my incredible anger/fear/self-loathing/self-hatred it never feels as though it'll pass.  It feels as though the wind will change I will have to remain this bitter and hard little knot of anger and confusion for the rest of my life.

I spent so long trying to tamp it down, hide it, pretend it wasn't so, be ashamed about it, put on a 'brave face', not let on that I was less than my own perception of perfect but guess what?

It didn't work.

So I had to change tack.

These days I am occasionally brave enough to tell someone how I truly feel.  I find it very hard to do because in my mind's eye I don't have dark days, yet I always ALWAYS have had.  My fear is that if I tell people how I REALLY feel, they may judge me/leave me/not like/ be disappointed in me.

But then I suppose you have to pick your friends.  And here's the point of this blog:

When you let someone in (the right person, you may have to kiss a lot of friend frogs) and share a bit of your soul with them you get something like this in response:

"I read this today, and it echoed some of the stuff you were saying yesterday, so here it is, not to help or make things better or anything ... 

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/02/the-unbearable-heaviness-of-being-human/ "

I hope it resonates for you as it did for me.  And thank you to my brilliant friend who sails by my side when the going is rough.

The Greater Good Take on Mind & Body

Here is a 'borrowed' post.  It's copied and pasted directly from the Greater Good site here: 

Many thanks to Penny Billington for sending it this way!

And here it is:

A growing body of research is finding that our mental states and physical health are intimately related to each other. Negative thinking can hurt our physical health while positive thinking can strengthen our bodies and lengthens our lives.

At the same time, certain physical activities--especially exercise, meditation, and spending time with other people--can have profound effects on our psychological well-being.

Indeed, the scientific evidence says that practicing skills like gratitude, forgiveness, and mindfulness lowers blood pressure, improves immune systems, and helps our hearts bounce back from stressful events, among other benefits. And studies strongly suggest that our social connections are instrumental to our physical and mental health. The Greater Good Science Center translates findings like these into resources that benefit health professionals, caregivers, and anyone who wants to cultivate a healthier mind and body.

Key Mind & Body Content

• The Science of Mindfulness, by Jon Kabat-Zinn


• A Little Meditation Goes a Long Way, by Jason Marsh


• How to Keep Your Brain Young Even as You Grow Old, by Jill Suttie


• Better Eating Through Mindfulness, by Jill Suttie


• Why Gratitude is Good, by Robert Emmons


• Five Ways Giving is Good for You, by Jill Suttie and Jason Marsh


• Why Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem, by Kristin Neff


• How to Relieve Stress, by Robert Sapolsky


• How to Trick Your Brain for Happiness, by Rick Hanson


• Smile! It's Good for Your Heart, by Stacey Kennelly


• Power Sickness, by Eve Ekman


• Warning: Racism is Bad for Your Health, by Elizabeth Page-Gould

This post has been borrowed from 

I am retiring

You know what?  Writing a blog regularly is just not ME.  I don't mind doing the odd bit from time to time but it's just not who I am.  I don't have that much to say that's insightful (if anything at all, frankly) and I don't want to drone on and on and bore you all to death just because I read somewhere that writing a blog was a good business idea.

So, I'm not doing it anymore.  I am retiring myself from writing this blog.

I have decided to use it for something much more interesting.  From now on, I shall link it to other things that I've read, or videos that I've enjoyed or quotes that make me smile or book recommendations from my lovely guests or just great places to go and stay if you're a solo traveller.  How much better this feels!

From time to time I may feel compelled to write something, but honestly - there are a million people out there more articulate than me. So, I shall bow out gracefully and let them have this space.

What a relief this is.  I feel liberated.  No more 'shoulds' going on.  This page can be fun at last (at least for me..... ) and I can stop trying to be worthy and grown up.  Because I'm just not :-)

So, we start out with a list of books compiled by a guest at our New Year Retreat.  We all had our input and this is what we ended up with - what do you think?  Any additions?

The Miracle of Mindfulness -  Thich Nhat Hanh 

Mindfulness - The Path to the Deathless (free online PDF)

The Untethered Soul - Michael Singer

When Things Fall Apart - Pema Chödrön

The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness and Peace - Jack Kornfield

A Path with Heart - Jack Kornfield

After the Ecstasy, the Laundry - Jack Kornfield

Mindfulness and Depression - Mark Williams

Mindfulness for Dummies - Shamash Alida

Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World - Danny Penman and Mark Williams

Teach us to Sit Still - Tim Parker

Full Catastrophe Living - Jon Kabat Zinn

Wherever you go there you are  - Jon Kabat Zinn

Guided Mindfulness Meditations (CD) - Jon Kabat Zinn

The Mindful Manifesto - Dr Jonty Heaversedge and Ed Halliwell

Going Buddhist - Peter Conradi

The Snow Leopard - Peter Mathiesson

The Seven Laws of Spirituality - Deepak Chopra

The Power of Myth - Joseph Campbell

The Hero's Journey - Joseph Campbell

A Cave in the Snow - Vicky McKenzie

Everyday Zen - Charlotte Joko Beck

Hardcore Zen - Brad Warner

The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry - Rachel Joyce

That lot will keep you going for a bit :-)

What, this old thing?!

We were talking about the difference between the UK and Greece (well, the bits that we live in - both there and here) the other day.  One of the things that came up was that here (Lefkada, Greece) we have pretty limited wardrobes.  There is not much call to be teetering around on heels when you're going from beach to beach carrying sunbeds and it's completely impractical to wear anything that won't cope with 38 degree heat ie: anything clingy, uncomfortable (no matter how gorgeous its appearance) or heat inducing (think most man made fabrics).

We see people in the same clothes day after day.  It's BRILLIANT.  There just isn't the same 'thing' about clothes over here.

It got me thinking - when you know that people are going to be rocking up in the same old stuff, you stop looking at what they're wearing (there really will be no surprises) and you move directly to the PERSON. One layer of potential judgement gone - just like that.

And isn't it the same when you know someone well?  The things you may have noticed when you first met them:  big nose, sticky out ears, uneven teeth, body shape - they just become unimportant when we go beyond that and get to know the PERSON.  Do we even NOTICE those things any longer or do start homing in instead on 'essence of Tomasina, Dick or Harriet'?  How fantastic.

We all know how lovely it is when we meet up with our friends and get chatting and sharing and enjoying.  We move completely beyond the surface and join our spirits up together.

Why wait to be friends with everyone?  Why not look beyond all that now?

What a beautiful gift to give to strangers :-)

Balancing You with Me

I have recently been through a life lesson of great interest (can we take it as read that it was also uncomfortable, squirmy and discombobulating?).

In my head (a dangerous place at the best of times) there is a sometimes rather vocal critic that is telling me that I ought to have time for everyone on the planet and that I should be able to rub along with all others at all times and that I am being selfish if I find myself craving space, peace and quiet. 

With the best will in the world I am just not made that way.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love people, I love chatting (as those of you who know me will testify), I love being sociable – but I also love my solitude.  Love it, desire it, want it, crave it and yes, need it.  

My inner critic would like me to be some kind of spiritual giant and chastises me for being attached to the idea of space and peace, but the kind, compassionate me (with a little help from my very good friends and their objectivity) can point out that I am a human being.  I suffer from human beingism and sometimes that means I need to take some time out and get some credit in the emotional bank.  There is so much written in self-development style books about the fact that in giving you receive a million times over, and in my experience that has certainly been the case.  But I also think that there is some value in knowing when to stop and take some time to take care of yourself before anyone else.  I’m paraphrasing a million people when I say that it’s not an accident that flight safety information tells us that we should put our own oxygen masks on before we help another.

So, I'm no longer beating myself up about it (well, for the moment).... It is what it is - another aspect of What Makes Me, Me.  For now.

Greece - still a viable holiday option?

I originally published this blog in March 2010 - but it bears repeating - Yes, yes and yes again

We know that there are problems:

• The economy is not in the greatest shape it's ever been (I am Queen of Understatement)


• The advent of the Euro means it's not as cheap as it was with the Drachma


• We're all skint

But let's look at what Greece DOES have to offer.

• Hospitality beyond measure.

The Greeks are fantastic at hospitality. For the greater part it's not that creepy, gushy, worrying kind of hospitality - it's a genuine desire to give great service so that you'll return to their bar/shop/restaurant. Fabulously, however, it's coupled with that laid back Mediterranean attitude.

• That laid back attitude

It's a funny one. When we arrive in the country we're still really full of 'now, now, now' - it takes a couple of days to slow right down and realise that everything can wait and that there's no pressure to be somewhere or doing something or meeting someone. We're on HOLIDAY after all.

• The food

The gloriously politically incorrect fruit and vegetables. They would be passed over by most supermarkets in the UK for 'not conforming' but are embraced in Greece. The joy of knowing that (on the island of Lefkada at least), the chances are that it has been gathered from just down the road. Not transported miles and miles. And, let me tell you, at the moment the courgettes and cherry tomatoes are to die for.....

• The weather

The joy of waking up every day and the sun shining... There is no better mood shifter than a drop of sun. Of course, it's not guaranteed and of course there are days when it's overcast and sometimes it even RAINS but you know that the sun is just round the corner. It makes a world of difference knowing that bad weather is NOT the norm (unlike some countries I could mention).

• Economic climate does not a nation make

Yes, we know it's not so great right now, either here or there. But the Greek people haven't changed. They're still fantastic and warm and kind and generous. Let's not judge a country's people because of their and the rest of the world's appallingly bad past leadership. Let's not get sucked into scaremongering. We're all on limited budgets, but why risk going further afield when we have a tried and trusted holiday destination on our doorstep - Greece!
See you there.....

Loneliness - grasping the nettle

I was asked by a potential guest if she might feel lonely coming on holiday on her own for a week.  My answer?  Well, being away from home with a group of people you don’t know and acres of lovely time and space in front of you to do as you please – well then, yes – it’s pretty much guaranteed at SOME point.

Not the marketing answer you might have expected but it was a considered response.

Firstly, I see nothing wrong with being lonely from time to time.  I see an awful lot wrong with avoiding being lonely by diving into drink, drugs, sex, food and the world of social media in an attempt to avoid something that is unavoidable.  Sometimes we do feel lonely, every single last one of us.  Regardless of how amazing our lives are, of how fabulous our friends and family are – sometimes we just feel LONELY. 

Secondly, we equate lonely with BAD.   Not all of us, granted, but the vast majority of us.  It's an easy mistake to make because it has a quality of 'foreverness' about it.  And THAT'S scary.  Lonely isn’t bad, it’s just a feeling and it will pass.  Guaranteed.  It might pass and be replaced with something a little more cheery and it might not – but it will pass.

One of the joys of being on holiday in a safe place with structure and people who are happy to chat about WHATEVER is going on for you is that you can stop running from the scary stuff that sends us headlong into our distractions.  You can give yourself permission to have  a look at some of this stuff head on and discover that actually, it’s just not that bad.  A tad uncomfortable – yes, a bit disorientating – probably, but it’s just not the end of the world.

I’m not going to start saying ‘Come to Serenity Retreat and Experience Loneliness’ – even I can see that’s not a winner, but neither am I going to deny something that is an inherent part of our human beingness.  Learning to lose your fear of it is a gift you give yourself – and THAT’S what Serenity Retreat is about.

A little bit of a danger is A Good Thing

I've been out walking with the dog (Tess) on the moor.  It's a precarious exercise.  Some of the tracks are like ice rinks and I've been skidding all over the place.  I have yet to fall over.  Note the 'yet'.

Today I took my mobile phone - no-one knows I'm going out so no-one would expect me back, and it's 4 miles of pretty isolated walking.  I very rarely come across another human being and the farms and homes are pretty widely distributed.  So if I DID have an accident, it would be tricky getting help (if I couldn't move).  So sensible to take the phone.

Yesterday I did the same walk but DIDN'T take the phone.  I had too much to carry as was taking my camera and couldn't be bothered with it.  Risky?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

What I noticed, in fact, is that yesterday - when I was acutely aware that I had to watch my step as I had no way of calling anyone if I fell - I walked with great presence, mindfulness, awareness.  I paid attention. I literally watched my steps.  I slipped a couple of times, but that just sharpened my resolve to take care, to be observant, to be in the moment.

Today (phone in pocket, feeling a bit more secure), I slipped many more times.  It was interesting to 'observe'.  I had much more of a gung-ho attitude and so my mind was wandering off to all sorts of things.  I was certainly not taking the care I'd taken yesterday.  A bit of an attitude of 'oh well, if anything happens I'll just call someone'.  Which is not really taking responsibility and neither is it being with the present.

So the moral of this story?  I have no idea.  All I know is that sometimes I have to take a leap of faith, and when I have more riding on my decision, I seem to come much more alive to the moment.  I'm no longer on auto-pilot with my sense of security numbing me to my own life.  I kind of like that (not the 'security numbing my own life' bit).

Obviously it's all about balance - literally and metaphorically :-)

THEY LEFT ME IN CHARGE OF THE ANIMALS....

Blackshaw Head is a tiny village almost on top of a moor just up from Hebden and Todmorden.  I answered an ad in the 'HebWeb' for someone to rent part of a small-holding with a reduction in rent for any animal sitting - I couldn't believe my luck.  Someone was going to PAY me for looking after animals!  

So, my landlords are away in India for a month and I'm looking after a cat (Kitty - a boy), a dog (Tess - a girl), 2 goats - White Goat (pregnant) and Brown Goat (female, not pregnant), 6 sheep (ewes - all pregnant) and 2 lambs (females - nearly a year old).

Let the fun begin.....

Hay and Straw - There is a difference

Am I the only person on the planet who thought that these were the same thing?  When Steve (my landlord) was going through my list of duties he said: 'Now, they get 2 to 3 wedges of hay a day and scatter the straw over the mucky bits in the pen' whilst pointing at two identical (or so they appeared at the time, obviously NOW I can not only tell the difference I can look back askance at my old self who didn't know -'what you seriously can't tell the difference?' I would say, sniffily) piles of vaguely yellowish/greenish/grassyish looking stuff.  

'Righto', I said.  'Errm..... Which is which?'

All credit to him, Steve missed only the tiny weeniest beat and then explained that one was quite yellow looking and one was quite green looking and they had very different textures.  

OBVIOUSLY.

The Sex-Change Cat

Kitty was a kitten when I first arrived.  A she kitten (we thought).  It was only on taking her to the vets to be 'done' that it was reported that she is a he, although now it is an it.  My landlords were quite embarrassed that they'd not realised.  I am taking some time getting used to calling her him.  

If you see what I mean.

Coming Up:

Goat Escape

Goat Massage

Making Friends with Sheep (tricky business)

Her Limpiness Number 28 (of 8) - a sheep

Why Yorkshire?

Here I am in Yorkshire for the winter.  I was born in Yorkshire and most of my family are from here but I've lived down South pretty much all my adult life.  When I was in Greece in the summer (2011) I decided that I would move back up to Yorkshire for the winter, partly to be closer to my family and partly to be in the company of a like-minded community (Hebden Bridge is full of those living an 'alternative' lifestyle - so I reckoned they'd be an okay bunch).

I have landed on my feet.

Life in Yorkshire

Right. decision made.  I shall start sharing snippets of my time in Yorkshire (which is where I live in the winter).  There is just so much to wonder at when you are cat, dog, sheep and goat sitting.  Expect to hear about the following:

Goat Escape
Chicken Chase
Her Limpiness the Sheep
Kitty the Sex Change Cat
Shaun the Sheep(man)
Log Burning Fires v Burned Fingers
The Difference Between Hay and Straw
Appropriate Clothing for Distributing The Afore-Mentioned
Deer Stalker Hats, the value thereof
Mucky Mick the Farmer
Pubs That Have Closed But Are Open
Spotting Deer with Heart Singing
Local Picture Houses
The Amazing Kindness Of Strangers

I would start this tonight but I'm just toooo tired.  All this animal care takes it out of you and I've got to be up with the larks to check on Her Limpiness.

#OccupyLSX

There we were - a group of (frankly) middle aged, middle class women sitting around a table in Cyprus talking about the Occupy movement.  I'm sure you've heard of it.  The people who are squatting in St Paul's at the moment objecting to the corporate running of the country and whose aims (at the moment) seem unsure.  

I was surprised (and delighted) to hear how much sympathy this band of folk was getting from our little group in Cyprus.  Support to the extent that my guests wanted to know what they could do within the framework of their lives: their families, keeping house, being parents, paying the bills - what they could do to support the movement.

I cannot remember a time when the public seemed so galvanised to take action across the planet.  And the extraordinary thing for me is that we don't REALLY know what we're taking action for.  I mean, to date there is no agenda or consensus on how things need to be changed.  But there is such a groundswell of awakening to the fact that SOMETHING needs to change.

At the moment being without an official 'agenda' seems immaterial.

It is incredible to be part of a time in history when people are getting organised, getting together, getting along without a real aim in mind and just with an intention to make things better for everyone (whatever that might mean and however it might look down the line) and a notion that things really REALLY need to change.

This is the advice I was given when asked how we can get involved if we live miles away or have families or commitments that prevent us from joining in ourselves:

"They can donate funds, find speakers/educators to attend and support, just spread a positive vibe" 

Courtesy of the Twitterverse, hence the brevity.  But that says it all really. 

I shall be doing one or all of the above.  

Times they are a-changing.

#OccupyLSX #OccupyLondon #BankofIdeas

Did I ever tell you about my other job?

I ‘gave up’ smoking once for 6 months when I was 30 (14 years ago).

I say ‘gave up’ advisedly.  I also ‘gave up’ sugar, salt, alcohol and wheat at the same time.  One of my friends had died very unexpectedly in her sleep.  She was only 34 and it saddened and terrified me.  She was a hard drinking, hard smoking type and I thought that I’d been given a warning so I gave everything up.

We all know the problem with ‘giving up’ though.  The moment you start to think that something is forbidden or not allowed it becomes your obsession, your desire, your true love, your one and only... Well, I had 5 of them going on!  But, of course, the number one ‘sacrifice’ that I made was smoking.  Oh how I longed to be a smoker again.  Smoking made my life so much better (I kept telling myself), my life is more stressed without cigarettes, I can’t concentrate without them, I can’t relax properly and I sure as hell can’t have any fun unless I’m smoking (bearing in mind that I had pretty much cut any form of enjoyment entirely out of my life)..... Smoking would be the answer to all my accumulated woes.  It would, really, it would.  I haven’t smoked for 6 months.  It was bloody hell stopping but I’m sure I’ve got it cracked now so I’ll just have one.  Just one.  It’ll be fine.  I won’t get hooked again.  I’m in control.  I’ll just have one from time to time.  When I’m out.  Or when I’m stressed.  Okay, well sometimes I’ll have two.  Or three.  Oh, go on then I’ll have a packet of ten....

.

Fast forward 17 years and I’m smoking 40 a day and hating every minute of it.  Incidentally, the sugar, salt, alcohol and wheat all came back into my life once I’d started smoking again.  Funny that.

Did it relieve my stress, help me concentrate or relax?  No, but I’d convinced myself that it did and I cannot even begin to describe the massive and crushing disappointment when I had that first puff of that first cigarette and realised the lie.  I had lied to myself and once again smoking had lied to me and I’d been sucked in.  It tasted disgusting.  Truly disgusting.

I never thought I’d be free of it.  I certainly couldn’t put myself through the pain of stopping again using my (now non-existent) willpower.  I was one of those people who said that they enjoyed smoking because the truth was that I didn’t think that I could stop and I had to make it look as though it was my decision to smoke.  But of course, I wasn’t in control.  Smoking controlled me – made me worry about my health, hate the smell of my clothes, worry about the smell of my breath, embarrass me about the stains on my fingers and strip me of the ability to save.

My best friend, Kate, sent me the Allen Carr’s Easyway to Stop Smoking book because a mutual friend of ours had stopped by reading it.  I was really not happy that she’d sent it to me.  But I read it to get her off my back.  I didn’t stop smoking and I was gutted....  But a process had started in my head.  I realised that everything in the book was true, so I’d just missed something.  Our friend had stopped and so could I.  So I took myself off to a session in Raynes Park in August 2003. 

I haven’t smoked since.

This is remarkable.  Why?  Because I didn’t miss it, had no desire for it, no longer thought that it was a sacrifice, no longer believed that it relieved my stress, helped me concentrate or helped me relax.  In fact I truly understood that the reverse was true.  So, if it didn’t do any of those things why on earth was I doing it and what was enjoyable about it? Nothing!  And so if there was nothing to miss why would I have ‘cravings’ or find it difficult?  I wouldn’t – and didn’t!  I had two questions pinging round my head:

What’s the point in smoking.... Errrrm... None

How will it benefit my life in this moment if I have a cigarette right now?... Errm... It won’t.

Right.  So I didn’t bother.  And haven’t ever since.

I made the world’s biggest nuisance of myself with the Allen Carr Head Office so that I could get an interview to be a therapist.  After all, if I could stop smoking then anyone could. 

I’ve been a therapist now for 7 years.  I still get a thrill when I leave sessions and know that my clients have ‘got it’.  What a gift to both give and receive.  

Grateful doesn’t even begin to cover it......

Things I love about human beingism

• People moving to allow ambulances to go through..
• People standing to allow others less able to sit in their seats
• People being FUNNY especially on Twitter.  I follow the Queen.  Of course.
• Rainbows, being witness to them.  And dolphins.  And turtles.  And cats and kittens.  And dogs (this list could get quite long).

• Getting lost in the mountains and just not being worried (well, the Alps would worry me a bit.  Or the Himalayas.  Or the Andes).

• Knowing sneaky back streets

• Discovering that my happiness, peace and contentment is not dependent on another human being

• Sunsets that turn mountains red and the sea pink

• Laughter.  The international language (especially when watching this)

• Going for a walk this morning and having a dog tag along the whole way - just tagging along.... just tagging along....

• The kindness of strangers

• Disaster averted (Manolis nearly put us to our death this morning by setting the local cafe on fire) with humour

• Air-conditioning when it's 32 degrees in your bedroom at night

The Stars of the Show - My Guests

We had a drawing course last week at Serenity Retreat.  This week we have a painting course.  I have been amazed by my guests.

One in particular who has chosen to do the painting course because she's aware that perfectionism is a problem she has and so she wants to do something that she knows she can never be 'perfect' at.  How can you be perfect at art when it's so very subjective?

All the people on the drawing and painting courses have completely given themselves over to the process.  They support each other, constructively critique each other, cheer each other on and are generally having fun (there may be a little bit of regressing going on as the favourite bit so far has also been the messiest bit.......!).

How marvellous to be surrounded by people who are open to change and to challenging themselves!  How privileged I feel to be with this eclectic bunch of people who all have something very special at their hearts - the desire to love life and to live it fully.

I am in awe.

I get to spend my whole summer with people like this.  Wow.

Half and Half Syndrome

I'm suffering with Half and Half Syndrome.  Yikes.

See, I'm neither fully in the UK nor am I fully in Greece (as is evident owing to the distinct lack of good quality feta and watery tomatoes).

All the wisdom in the world tells me to stay with the moment, fully embrace the here and now.... and yet......

I keep catching myself doing mental packing (as in having the images in my head prior to the event rather than any other, although D Day will see a fairly large amount of the other).  I rewrite lists of what I need to buy.  I keep imagining how I'm going to be feeling as I'm driving through France and Italy (I'm v much looking forward to it).  I am having pidgin Greek conversations in my head (my grammar is perfect when I converse with myself) and lying on beaches... and drying wild oregano..... and.... and.....!

Don't get me wrong.  I am incredibly happy to be in the UK.  I had forgotten how amazing it is to be here in Spring, which is ridiculous as I've had 43 of them.  Weird how it always surprises me still.  I was driving to work this morning (other work) and was loving the burgeoning fullness of everything.  I was looking at the countryside as if I were a Greek who had grown up with olive trees and cypresses and thinking about how gorgeous our trees are, how verdant our countryside is.  It really is truly amazing  and yet I still have the urge to think ahead, to wish the time away, to plan and plot.

I know (theoretically) better.  Not enjoying the moment and fast forwarding to the next event - not great.  I know that.

Maybe it's just a question of old-fashioned acceptance. Maybe not only do I have Half and Half Syndrome, but also Extreme Humanism....

Sigh....

Ah well, only 2 weeks and 3 days until I goooooooo....

To VA or not To VA (Virtual Assistant for the uninitiated)

I’ve had a right old battle going on in my head for the last few weeks/months/years. 

It’s the guilt, you see – the guilt of thinking that I ought to be able to do everything admin related, enjoy it and be good at it.  Well, the truth of the matter is that I CAN do it, but I don’t ENJOY doing it. 

I am not a natural i dotter and t crosser.  It’s just not how I roll (!).

For some time I have been realising that there are a myriad of small tasks that need doing that I don’t want to do.  They’re the type of tasks that are a bit like ironing.  I hate ironing.  I hate the thought of ironing and I hate the act of ironing.  The amount of stress I put myself under about the flaming ironing is ridiculous. So now I am just very careful about how I hang things (I last ironed something back in October).

Well I've finally worked out what needs to happen with these admin tasks – I just need to trust someone else who is a genuine i dotter and t crosser (such people do exist, amazingly).

I love putting together the holidays and planning the courses and the trips – love it, love it, love it.  I also love actually being with my guests.  It’s the best part of the job.  What I’m not so keen on is having to chase people for flight details and make sure that all the bookings are on the database and all that kind of faffy type thing.  It does my head in.

I was looking for a Virtual PA for a friend of mine when I came upon Tracy.  She suggested that my friend keep a diary of what he’s doing and then to score it in terms of whether or not he actually needed to do it or if it could be something that could be farmed out.  As she was speaking I was thinking about my to-do list that had 43 items on it – some of them half day tasks. 

Within hours I decided that this was the way forward – I persuaded myself that I couldn’t carry on without her - never mind my friend!  She was so confident on the phone and matter of fact that I felt the stress seep away just by talking to her.  So I have handed over some jobs.  We’ll go through the details today and get a system up and running, but let me tell you how much less stressed I am already... I have already started plans to get on with the stuff I actually enjoy – the writing, the answering enquiries, the people aspects.

Yes, I’m sure there are people out there who manage to wear all the different hats all of the time and get on very nicely.  But I’m just not one of those people. 

The interesting thing is how difficult I found it to admit to myself that I don’t like doing admin.  To see how guilty I was feeling at not being an all-singing and all-dancing business owner - to admit ‘weakness’, to own up to being ‘less than perfect’.  But what sweet relief to have finally surrendered and stopped trying to push a boulder up a hill.  What joy to just accept my limitations and to go with the flow.  How liberating to stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. 

How many times do we try to be all things to all people?  Constantly feeling that we’re not living up to expectation or the ridiculously high standards we set for ourselves?  How lovely just to acknowledge that we’re doing our best and that we need help...  

Liberation indeed!

Zen and Serenity

I have been on two Zen silent meditation retreats in the last 5 weeks both of which were 5 days long in duration. The experiences were amazing.  Awe-inspiringly so.

4 days back from my last retreat and I'm hankering after aspects that I thought I would hate but in fact have realised are important to me and to how I live:

1. Routine
Getting up at 5am was a bit of a shock to the system, that's for sure - but once I'd stopped fighting it (this is a theme, me stopping fighting stuff) it was very welcome - another set of decisions that I didn't have to consider or worry about.

2.  Silence
I am a chatterbox.  One of my friends suggested that he'd happily sponsor me to maintain the silence for another week (I have such lovely friends).
However, the silence was a joy.  I hadn't realised how welcome it was to relieve myself of the automatic social obligation of smiling at people all the time, or 'being considerate of others' aka being a control freak.  It was just great to be in the company of people who were pulling in the same direction, but doing it silently.

3.  Meditation
There's an awful lot of meditation that goes on.  I know that this shouldn't really have been a surprise, but it was somehow.  In Zen there's a lot of sitting.  I struggled with the physical aspects of it to begin with but finally settled down and got into the rhythm of it.  The teachers are great and give you pointers all the way through the process.  But very importantly, the whole process gave me the chance to distance my thinking from all the distractions of my 'normal' life and to simply be.  Admittedly it was only for seconds at a time, most of the time - but I still had some amazing experiences that have shifted the way that the rest of life will be lived.

4.  Community
It was a revelation to me to see how close you could feel toward people that you didn't speak to.  In the second retreat there was an element of speaking (it was a Western Zen Retreat) but it wasn't small talk or chit chat, no social niceties - just all of us doing our best.  Of course, in some ways it's easier to like people you don't have to speak to but this was more a feeling of inclusion, of realising that you were with a group of people who were trying to look for answers to their questions, a group of people who were prepared to commit themselves to a process in order to improve their passage through their lives.  Inspiring people, amazing people and then realising that I'm one of them ;-)

I know that silent meditation retreats are not for everyone but it suddenly struck me that the things I hanker after with the Zen retreats are the things that I love about Serenity Retreat - although not in quite the same way, of course:

• Routine - changing our routine is so important to shift ourselves if we feel 'stuck', having a routine that involves the sun can only be a good thing!
• Silence - join in as much or as little as you like.  If you want to hole up in your accommodation for the entire break - that's fine... We also have short specific times dedicated to silence for those who want to indulge.
• Meditation - we have guided meditations for you to dip into.
• Community.- whether you engage fully or not, you will know that you're part of a community, the extent to which you're involved is always up to you.

And so I'm just very grateful that I have a job, a career, a life that speaks to me in terms that matter to me.  And it's available to all of us.  We just have to get focused, keep determined and let it all flow......

Today I Nearly Died

Nothing like a dramatic headline.

But today I literally came a hair's breadth from saying 'tally ho' and disappearing down a very very steep ravine into some (admittedly very gorgeous) forest.

You don't really expect a hailstorm at the top of a Cypriot mountain.  And certainly not a furiously persistent, windscreen wiper defying, 'let's make like cannon balls' type of hail.  That just goes on and on.

Of course the thing with hail (for me), is that in the UK it's so innocuous. 'Pish' we say, in the face of hail - is that the best you can do?  We know it'll pass, we know it's nothing to worry about (or at least this has always been MY way of dealing with hail - maybe this is where I've been going wrong....).

But Cypriot hail, up a mountain, in a tiny rental car, miles and miles and miles away from anything/one else is a different story.  Cypriot hail carpeting the windy, hairpin bends of the mountains is a walk in the park until the first time you put your foot on the brakes to take a corner (that they warn you to take at 20kph - so you can imagine how tight it is) and you start to skid.....  I have no idea why my head didn't treat this half inch frosting of hail in the same way it would respect a half inch of snow on the roads in the UK, but for some reason, my bad weather guidance system switched itself off when I got to Cyprus.

So there I was, sliding across the road (thankfully TOWARD the mountain, I would not be writing this if the opposite had been the case) and all of a sudden the world shrinks into that very second, that very moment.  I am heart-stoppingly aware of the car, the skid, the mountain, the road and of course - my inability to do anything other than pray.

And did I pray.  Because it didn't end with that skid.  Every time the road (and we're talking mountains here) went uphill, the car would skid and misbehave.  I would try and persevere in second gear but kept having to come back down into first.  And this gear changing was accompanied by:

'Please God, let this hail stop now.  Please.  Let it stop.  Let it stop.  I'm really scared now.  Please let it stop.'.  This was said with a lot of heart and the occasional swear word.  But I was pretty single-minded about what it was that I wanted.

And it stopped.

And then (chancing my arm a bit but with equal zeal):

'Just some rain, lots and lots of rain, please, to wash all this hail away and melt it forever. I would be incredibly happy for some torrentially bonkers rain.  Very happy. Or some sun.  Some lovely sun.  Or just for the temperature to rise a couple of degrees very suddenly.  Please God, please just keep me safe until I get home.  Please keep me safe.  Please keep me safe'.

Then I kept having flashbacks to my friend, Janine, and her ever-cautious parents warning about snow shovels and drinks and sandwiches and wondering if I had had a moment of precognisance because for the first time in many many ...well... years I suppose, I'd organised myself to the degree that I had a third of a bottle of water with me, 2 mandarins and my kagool.  Proper preparation for treacherous weather, by any standards, I'm sure you'll agree.

I vowed that if getting the next 40 kilometres home would mean doing it in first gear - then that's what I would do.  (Anyone who knows me knows that things must have been bad if I was happy to be in first gear for longer than 0.2 seconds).

On I went, 10 kph, praying non stop when all of a sudden I noticed that the road was not quite so white, the hail seemed to be getting more shallow.  I wasn't crunching down on it any longer, it was becoming more and more and more...... like...... RAIN underfoot (well undertyre).  HALLELUJAH!  I didn't stop holding my breath though, in case it was just a hail type trick and that I'd turn another corner and it would be back to its slippy slidey best....

But no.  The hail was gone, the roads were beautifully and gloriously and simply WET.    Hurray!!!!

And so I pelted it down the mountain-side (pelted being a relative term - I made it into third gear) and enjoyed every single drop of rain that came down.  Every drop.

There have been very few times in my life when I have been truly terrified.  This was one of them.  And whether you believe in God (and the word itself evokes enough debate, never mind the concept) or not, it's very comforting to have something to DO when you're stuck up there, on the top of a mountain in the hail miles away from anything and anybody.

I have decided (incidentally) that I need to spend the remainder of my time in Cyprus getting more of a feel for the area that my clients will be staying in.  This area is on a beautiful hill (note - HILL) with magnificent views of the National Park, the coast and the mountains.  Looking at them (the mountains) will do from now on.

PS.  I dedicate this blog to God, who did a very neat job of keeping me safe, for which I'm very grateful.  I dedicate everything else to you too, in fact.  But this blog really does have your name on it.  Thank you.

What is Love?

Christmas and New Year, the time of peace on earth and goodwill to all men (and women!).

I thought it would be nice to reflect on the one thing that none of us can ever have enough of... love... and what it might mean (this post definitely falls under the heading of 'Kim Is Being A Hippy Today')

These reflections are 'borrowed', details further down.

"Love:

• is the will to promote new life and growth in me and in another.
• is personal, a sacred trust of living things
• is freeing, acknowledging a separateness and treasuring the uniqueness of another.
• it calls for willing sacrifice, to empty itself in nurture of the one who’s loved.
• it respects the value of another
• it demands both patience and discretion, both tact and understanding.
• it seeks to learn and listen to another
• it is a true equality, an equal-sided valuation and respect
• it is tenderness, selfless, caring and essential
• it is unconditional

And we each need to give and to receive it".

Where were these lovely words taken from?

I asked a Quaker friend of mine (thanks Keith!) to send them to me, they are gleaned from the Quaker Handbook of Faith and Practise (Chapter 22).

Hope you enjoyed them.

Happy New Year everyone, may it be filled with love.....

Exciting Things in the Pipeline for 2011

We have so much stuff scheduled for next year.

Firstly we have a UK VENUE - so we'll be putting on residential courses at Easter, Christmas and New Year for our solo travellers.

We will also be in CYPRUS for October and November 2011.

UK

At Easter we'll be offering a 4 night residential in the heart of leafy Buckinghamshire. We will be focusing on the joy of Spring and its representation of renewal and fresh beginnings. We’ll be offering a variety of workshops for you to dip into all aimed at clearing the past, looking forward and tapping our internal creativity. If you’d like us to tell you when the ink is dry on all the associated paperwork you can leave your email or postal address here.

We have a whole host of new courses on offer for Greece and Cyprus:

• Louise Hay Courses - this year a Beginners and an Advanced
• Writing Your Truth
• Mindfulness and Loving Kindness
• Healing through Meditation using Mindfulness and Loving Kindness
• Art Journalling
• Drama for Its Own Sake - Drama workshops
• Art to Express Your Highest Self
• Life Life, LOVE work
• Kick-start Your Writing
• Freedom from Within - an experiential workshop for mind, body and soul

We're still mulling over the details, but we'll be in GREECE from 7th May to 25th September and for 2011 in CYPRUS for October and November - the weather there is gorgeous in those months.

If you want to leave your email address or postal address to be informed of when all the nitty gritty has been sorted out, please do so here

And owing to popular request we'll be having a solos Christmas and New Year in 2011.....

It's just sooo exciting.