People often look at me and think that I have everything 'sorted' (someone said this only yesterday). I don't. I never do. I get battered about by life in exactly the same way that you do. Over the years my ways of coping have become less destructive (no more drink, drugs and meaningless relationships) but that doesn't mean that I have the answers or that I am permanently compassionate towards myself or others. I'm not.
Sometimes the depth of my ferocity and criticism at myself shocks me.
Sometimes the fear of who I might really be overwhelms me.
Sometimes my anger at the world and every single person in it knocks me sidewards.
Sometimes I just do not cope.
I have come to learn that all of this passes but when I'm in the middle of it, that is a singularly massively unhelpful thing to have said to me. Because in the midst of my incredible anger/fear/self-loathing/self-hatred it never feels as though it'll pass. It feels as though the wind will change I will have to remain this bitter and hard little knot of anger and confusion for the rest of my life.
I spent so long trying to tamp it down, hide it, pretend it wasn't so, be ashamed about it, put on a 'brave face', not let on that I was less than my own perception of perfect but guess what?
It didn't work.
So I had to change tack.
These days I am occasionally brave enough to tell someone how I truly feel. I find it very hard to do because in my mind's eye I don't have dark days, yet I always ALWAYS have had. My fear is that if I tell people how I REALLY feel, they may judge me/leave me/not like/ be disappointed in me.
But then I suppose you have to pick your friends. And here's the point of this blog:
When you let someone in (the right person, you may have to kiss a lot of friend frogs) and share a bit of your soul with them you get something like this in response:
Sometimes the depth of my ferocity and criticism at myself shocks me.
Sometimes the fear of who I might really be overwhelms me.
Sometimes my anger at the world and every single person in it knocks me sidewards.
Sometimes I just do not cope.
I have come to learn that all of this passes but when I'm in the middle of it, that is a singularly massively unhelpful thing to have said to me. Because in the midst of my incredible anger/fear/self-loathing/self-hatred it never feels as though it'll pass. It feels as though the wind will change I will have to remain this bitter and hard little knot of anger and confusion for the rest of my life.
I spent so long trying to tamp it down, hide it, pretend it wasn't so, be ashamed about it, put on a 'brave face', not let on that I was less than my own perception of perfect but guess what?
It didn't work.
So I had to change tack.
These days I am occasionally brave enough to tell someone how I truly feel. I find it very hard to do because in my mind's eye I don't have dark days, yet I always ALWAYS have had. My fear is that if I tell people how I REALLY feel, they may judge me/leave me/not like/ be disappointed in me.
But then I suppose you have to pick your friends. And here's the point of this blog:
When you let someone in (the right person, you may have to kiss a lot of friend frogs) and share a bit of your soul with them you get something like this in response:
"I read this today, and it echoed some of the stuff you were saying yesterday, so here it is, not to help or make things better or anything ...
I hope it resonates for you as it did for me. And thank you to my brilliant friend who sails by my side when the going is rough.
