I ‘gave up’
smoking once for 6 months when I was 30 (14 years ago).
I say ‘gave
up’ advisedly. I also ‘gave up’ sugar,
salt, alcohol and wheat at the same time.
One of my friends had died very unexpectedly in her sleep. She was only 34 and it saddened and terrified
me. She was a hard drinking, hard
smoking type and I thought that I’d been given a warning so I gave everything
up.
We all know
the problem with ‘giving up’ though. The
moment you start to think that something is forbidden or not allowed it becomes
your obsession, your desire, your true love, your one and only... Well, I had 5
of them going on! But, of course, the
number one ‘sacrifice’ that I made was smoking.
Oh how I longed to be a smoker again.
Smoking made my life so much better (I kept telling myself), my life is
more stressed without cigarettes, I can’t concentrate without them, I can’t
relax properly and I sure as hell can’t have any fun unless I’m smoking
(bearing in mind that I had pretty much cut any form of enjoyment entirely out
of my life)..... Smoking would be the answer to all my accumulated woes. It would, really, it would. I haven’t smoked for 6 months. It was bloody hell stopping but I’m sure I’ve
got it cracked now so I’ll just have one.
Just one. It’ll be fine. I won’t get hooked again. I’m in control. I’ll just have one from time to time. When I’m out.
Or when I’m stressed. Okay, well
sometimes I’ll have two. Or three. Oh, go on then I’ll have a packet of ten....
.
Fast forward
17 years and I’m smoking 40 a day and hating every minute of it. Incidentally, the sugar, salt, alcohol and
wheat all came back into my life once I’d started smoking again. Funny that.
Did it
relieve my stress, help me concentrate or relax? No, but I’d convinced myself that it did and
I cannot even begin to describe the massive and crushing disappointment when I
had that first puff of that first cigarette and realised the lie. I had lied to myself and once again smoking
had lied to me and I’d been sucked in.
It tasted disgusting. Truly
disgusting.
I never
thought I’d be free of it. I certainly
couldn’t put myself through the pain of stopping again using my (now
non-existent) willpower. I was one of
those people who said that they enjoyed smoking because the truth was that I
didn’t think that I could stop and I had to make it look as though it was my
decision to smoke. But of course, I wasn’t
in control. Smoking controlled me – made
me worry about my health, hate the smell of my clothes, worry about the smell
of my breath, embarrass me about the stains on my fingers and strip me of the
ability to save.
My best
friend, Kate, sent me the Allen Carr’s Easyway to Stop Smoking book because a
mutual friend of ours had stopped by reading it. I was really not happy that she’d sent it to
me. But I read it to get her off my
back. I didn’t stop smoking and I was
gutted.... But a process had started in
my head. I realised that everything in
the book was true, so I’d just missed something. Our friend had stopped and so could I. So I took myself off to a session in Raynes
Park in August 2003.
I haven’t
smoked since.
This is
remarkable. Why? Because I didn’t miss it, had no desire for
it, no longer thought that it was a sacrifice, no longer believed that it
relieved my stress, helped me concentrate or helped me relax. In fact I truly understood that the reverse
was true. So, if it didn’t do any of
those things why on earth was I doing it and what was enjoyable about it?
Nothing! And so if there was nothing to
miss why would I have ‘cravings’ or find it difficult? I wouldn’t – and didn’t! I had two questions pinging round my head:
What’s the
point in smoking.... Errrrm... None
How will it
benefit my life in this moment if I have a cigarette right now?... Errm... It
won’t.
Right. So I didn’t bother. And haven’t ever since.
I made the
world’s biggest nuisance of myself with the Allen Carr Head Office so that I
could get an interview to be a therapist.
After all, if I could stop smoking then anyone could.
I’ve been a
therapist now for 7 years. I still get a
thrill when I leave sessions and know that my clients have ‘got it’. What a gift to both give and receive.
Grateful
doesn’t even begin to cover it......
